Please Help!! Losing hope and will - Treatment Resistant Depression is why?

[JenaY]

Hello all,

I am hoping, maybe just through the grace of God, I can find some possible help here.

Basically, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in fifth grade, I thought about killing myself. I did try to kill myself when I was 17, again when I was 20 and last full attempts were when I was 22.

Around the last attempt is when I started trying to seek consistent treatment for depression. Since then, I have spent years in therapy and tried MANY different medications. My diagnosis has changed from major depressive episode - recurring, to major depression, to bipolar 2, add on some ADD, then change back to depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and now at treatment resistant depression.

I have changed providers often due to insurance changes and moving out of state. At this point, I have hit ground zero again. After many years of vowing not to kill myself, I have discarded that vow and I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't get it back.

I'm not sure what the best way to do this is... but here we go.

Symptoms:
depressed mood - hopeless, distraught, blue, however you want to pharse it
fatigue - tired almost all the time. then some nights I don't fall asleep easily
stressed
lack of concentration and motivation - the stack of bills on my table dates back to a year ago
anxiety
worry
at some points, irritable
the worst right now is the suicidal thoughts
Also - I don't if it is related at all, but I have what is chalked up to IBS. Almost every single time I eat, I get diarrhea. In the evenings I have acid reflux.

Other possible causes that have been ruled out:
sleep apnea - I underwent an overnight study that showed nothing wrong
multiple sclerosis - I have a sibling with this so after seeing a neurologist, I had an MRI that came back normal
I have had multiple lab tests done - CBCs, showing no obvious issues with thyroid or insulin

Now the fun part...
Medications I've been on:
I apologize if I repeat any especially with the generics and brand names
Wellbutrin XL (currently taking)
Adderall XL (currently taking)
Abilify
Lamictal
Lithium
Remeron
Xanax (not continuously, just before flying or when I get suicidal)
Klonopin
Clonazipane
Risperdal
Paxil
Celexa
Zoloft
Lexapro
Cymbalta
Provigil
Lyrica
Ambien
Rozarem
Trazodone
Seroquel
Geodon
Trileptal
Topomax
Zyprexa
Ativan
Neurontin
Strattera
Aricept

I generally have only had terrible side effects from the meds. I was lucky if they just didn't help at all. I've put on weight, been more lethargic, and even got the dangerous rash from lamotrigine.

I'm now left with MAOIs and tricyclics. I'm not fond of either of these options. I don't like the restrictions on food and other meds with the MAOIs and I've heard bad things about the TCAs.

It is now coming down to ECT which I can't afford memory loss. I have now exhausted all of my options in my town, and would now have to search for psychs that would be at least an hour away.

Does anyone out there have some ideas that could be causing my depression or other treatments?

Thank you so much for your help!

[Bobby aka Nothingsafe]

I've been, and am still "coping" with many of the things you're describing. In my opinion depression in many cases is NOT a medical condition, but is instead the unavoidable result of logical thinking. If you look around without coloring your perceptions with emotion (which I admit is not always possible for me). You may indeed notice life is really ****ed up. The scope of human suffering is vast, and life is cheap. Every day people with hopes, and dreams, just like yours and mine, have their lives snuffed out in the blink of an eye. There's no inherent meaning to any of it, besides that which we place on it. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. We are insignificant, and the universe uncaring. Normal people have a better chance of being cured of their optimism, than we our depression. That said, I honestly hope you don't kill yourself, and that you find some joy in living. It makes me sad to think anyone feels like I do. I'll check back here every so often, if you need someone to talk to.

[Unregistered/missmichelle]

I've been, and am still "coping" with many of the things you're describing. In my opinion depression in many cases is NOT a medical condition, but is instead the unavoidable result of logical thinking. If you look around without coloring your perceptions with emotion (which I admit is not always possible for me). You may indeed notice life is really ****ed up. The scope of human suffering is vast, and life is cheap. Every day people with hopes, and dreams, just like yours and mine, have their lives snuffed out in the blink of an eye. There's no inherent meaning to any of it, besides that which we place on it. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. We are insignificant, and the universe uncaring. Normal people have a better chance of being cured of their optimism, than we our depression. That said, I honestly hope you don't kill yourself, and that you find some joy in living. It makes me sad to think anyone feels like I do. I'll check back here every so often, if you need someone to talk to.

Hi!

I just wanted to comment on your reply Bobby - I just wanted to perhaps help with how to define depression and its impact whether it's logical/illogical thinking, a neurological pathway that created itself due to relentless stressors in life when certain people are predisposed to this type of unfortunate negative reaction or whatever it may be...I just know it's ****!

I have been on everything available on the market in every combination and the only medication that worked I had a lethal reaction to. Sometimes I wonder if I do this to myself somehow, but then I ask : "Why in the world would I want to suffer"? I do not get pity. I have nearly zero income. My life is empty and it's not what I want and so often 'healthier depressives' tell me to choose to be better. That is fabulous that it works for them, but I don't even know how to wrap my brain around 'choosing' to feel better? It's akin to asking me to choose to have blue eyes while my eyes are brown!

I have good days and so many bad days. Psychiatry is still very much in its infancy and there is no doubt in my mind that society, media, lack of community in cities, lack of faith and belief...etc. It just gets to the point where you so desperately want help and you are clearly asking for it because you have done everything you think you could, then doors start to shut. Psychiatrists won't see you because you are treatment resistant. If you don't work, you can't afford to pay for therapy. I have exhausted the hospital day program so many times, that I could teach it and it's unfortunately not helpful enough for me to stop myself form running back into these ruts.

Do I think I am thinking irrationally? No! Do I think irrationally at times, for sure! I just want to know where people like us go from here?

I read in an article that for medication to work 'properly' you also need a good and loving support system and therapy. Well, what is that isn't available? I can't force people to be my friend. I can barely leave the house and I don't want pity, I just want to feel like a human being again.

I am terribly sorry for anyone who has to go through this because I know that in deep in my heart of hearts, I wouldn't wish this on my absolute worst enemy.

I have been reading about things to help motivate myself. One article told me to write down things that I like. I will try it. I have done this before and if only for 40 minutes I feel a tad better, then halleluah, but sometimes these exercises can have a profoundly adverse and reverse effect on me because this only reminds me of the things I can't 'grasp' at any longer...almost like a pipe dream. I wonder how therapeutic it really is?

ECT is my last option as well...I;d rather someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat tbh. The fact that we have to give ourselves virtual brain damage for a chance of 'forgetting' we are depressed seems messed up altogether.

I am terribly sorry that this message is morose and depressing but it's very hard to be uplifting when, well, you know! I keep hoping and waiting...in the meantime it's just not that fun

Thanks for reading me...

[Plastikfear]

Hello all,



It is now coming down to ECT which I can't afford memory loss. I have now exhausted all of my options in my town, and would now have to search for psychs that would be at least an hour away.

Well I hate to suggest it then, but maybe trying to ECT will help. My mother has a friend that has been on nearly everything known to mankind, and even tried this, and it did help... but hers didn't go away, and wasn't cured. Just helped lessen the gravity of the depression. So that might be a step in the right direction, regardless of its negative side effects, as it sounds to me like its well worth the risk.

Also... I've been hearing great things about alternative medicine. Try going to a nutritionist. I know someone who had a serious problem with migraines and after years and years of going to emergency rooms, neurologists, osteopaths, chiropractors, GPs, and psychiatrists, she finally went to a nutritionist, who gave her a specialized diet customized just right for her, and she has never had another migraine since. I believe they can do that for many problems, not just migraines. Check it out, it might be worth it!

[Bobby aka Nothingsafe]

I will never try ECT, ever. What is this shock the monkey? The fact that this is even considered a viable option proves to me just how ignorant the medical community is in their understanding of the human brain.

I'm little worried about the OP though. I have been checking back here, and haven't heard anything. I hope you're ok.

@missmichelle I can relate to your experience, having tried essentially everything as well. I seemed to experience some benefit from Cymbalta, but it also caused my digestive system to shut down, causing uncontrollable vomiting... Hooray!!! ~_~ "'healthier depressives' tell me to choose to be better" I've had this experience as well. It's exactly the kind of thing someone who confuses "being depressed", with "having depression" might say. Everyone has been depressed at some point in their life. "I can't force people to be my friend." "I just want to feel like a human being again." I've have had these exact same thoughts. I think they're entirely normal thoughts to have.

[josephajain]

Really i agree with all your points...Thanks a lot for posting all of them.

[Unregistered]

If you want the grace of God, dont get down on your self, get down on your knees and pray. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead your prayer, through the bood of *****, to the Father and wait for your help. If this sounds wacko, ask yourself waht you have to lose.
Taste and see the Lord is good! Keep trying okay?
I'm going home to do this myself.
Peace, Out.

Hello all,

I am hoping, maybe just through the grace of God, I can find some possible help here.

Basically, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in fifth grade, I thought about killing myself. I did try to kill myself when I was 17, again when I was 20 and last full attempts were when I was 22.

Around the last attempt is when I started trying to seek consistent treatment for depression. Since then, I have spent years in therapy and tried MANY different medications. My diagnosis has changed from major depressive episode - recurring, to major depression, to bipolar 2, add on some ADD, then change back to depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and now at treatment resistant depression.

I have changed providers often due to insurance changes and moving out of state. At this point, I have hit ground zero again. After many years of vowing not to kill myself, I have discarded that vow and I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't get it back.

I'm not sure what the best way to do this is... but here we go.

Symptoms:
depressed mood - hopeless, distraught, blue, however you want to pharse it
fatigue - tired almost all the time. then some nights I don't fall asleep easily
stressed
lack of concentration and motivation - the stack of bills on my table dates back to a year ago
anxiety
worry
at some points, irritable
the worst right now is the suicidal thoughts
Also - I don't if it is related at all, but I have what is chalked up to IBS. Almost every single time I eat, I get diarrhea. In the evenings I have acid reflux.

Other possible causes that have been ruled out:
sleep apnea - I underwent an overnight study that showed nothing wrong
multiple sclerosis - I have a sibling with this so after seeing a neurologist, I had an MRI that came back normal
I have had multiple lab tests done - CBCs, showing no obvious issues with thyroid or insulin

Now the fun part...
Medications I've been on:
I apologize if I repeat any especially with the generics and brand names
Wellbutrin XL (currently taking)
Adderall XL (currently taking)
Abilify
Lamictal
Lithium
Remeron
Xanax (not continuously, just before flying or when I get suicidal)
Klonopin
Clonazipane
Risperdal
Paxil
Celexa
Zoloft
Lexapro
Cymbalta
Provigil
Lyrica
Ambien
Rozarem
Trazodone
Seroquel
Geodon
Trileptal
Topomax
Zyprexa
Ativan
Neurontin
Strattera
Aricept

I generally have only had terrible side effects from the meds. I was lucky if they just didn't help at all. I've put on weight, been more lethargic, and even got the dangerous rash from lamotrigine.

I'm now left with MAOIs and tricyclics. I'm not fond of either of these options. I don't like the restrictions on food and other meds with the MAOIs and I've heard bad things about the TCAs.

It is now coming down to ECT which I can't afford memory loss. I have now exhausted all of my options in my town, and would now have to search for psychs that would be at least an hour away.

Does anyone out there have some ideas that could be causing my depression or other treatments?

Thank you so much for your help!

[Unregistered]

Dear "Please Help!! Losing hope and will- Treatment Resistent..."
I'm sorry that I've had to come on here unregistered. I didn't intend to,but the system would not take my password. My email address iskdesignerbargains@googlemail.com So here I am, and I had to post a reply to your thread after I read it. Because I was a diagnosed classic Bipolar, also, with anxiety disorder,panic attack, etc. I was in and out of the hospitals.

The older I got the more frequent the mood swings became, and the more terrible the symptoms. I had visual as well as auditory hallucinations with mine. And, like you, it was like life in the midst of a nightmare most of the time. I too tried multiple times to kill myself.
Fortunately, I failed. I am a christian, but I heard another christian's testimony about a suicide attempt that put her in the special compartment in **** suicides go to (If you want to read it,I will give you an webaddress where you can read MANY near-death experiences--both heaven & ****.
The meds? I was allergic to most. The topamax helped me the most of the the ones I could take. But, it did not heal me. I am healed, however. Totally, completely, & beautifully!

The story goes like this: My husband had ezcema really bad, and we had tried everything for it. So we went to this little Pentecostal Church in October 2008. We claimed the scripture in the book of James, where it says; have the Elders of the Church lay hands on you, in the name of the Lord, AND THE LORD SHALL RAISE HIM UP..." I knew the moment the Pastor and deacon touched me, that I was totally set free of every single symptom! I have been free of mood swings, panic, everything, ever since!

You don't have to suffer. God can heal you, if you'll let Him. Get a Bible and read it. There is healing in those pages. I wish I'd known that earlier! My psychiatrist was thrilled. He had studied miracles, and believed I was healed, although he is Indian.
There is hope for the hopeless in *****. He came to destroy the works and oppression of the devil which is what illness is(Well, it's one thing!)
Signed, The Bringer of Hope *

[Unregistered]

You should look into celiac disorder before you do anything else. Go gluten-free. See if it heals your gut and secondly your mind.

[Lee D. Lokken]

Hi there >.< In order to solve know more about your depression you should specify the one that you have.. there are different types of depression and most of them have something to do with the way you look and appreciate things around you.. for the mean time try to take some sleep and if it is possible try to join clubs or a forum where you could talk to different kinds of people.