Next Steps? I think my husband is severely depressed

[Unregistered]

Hi! Need some advise. My husband is displaying some classic major depression symptoms - making bad choices, irratic and agressive behavior, lack of interest in things that previously brought pleasure, loss of appitite, difficulty sleeping, hopelessness, back pain, thoughts of suicide, lack of self-worth.... and I could go on. I have been trying to encourage him for years to get help but recently his symptoms have significantly increased. It has come to a head now because he says he wants to leave me and get his own place so he can be alone. He says he can't remember the last time that he was happy but thinks that was when he was completely alone.

I got him to take some self-assessment test which said basically seek help now. However, he is convinced that his depression is just caused because everything in his life has let him down and that is that. There is no help for it and nothing would change that - it is just reality. He says that just because people don't like the behavior or can't accept reality, they want to call it a disease and give a pill to fix it but there is no fix because his life sucks.

He has had negative experiences with treatment in the past for depression and ADD. He felt "druged up" and that his mother just wanted to turn him into a zombie so she didn't have to deal with him. He stopped medicating because he didn't like they way he felt and she never had him go back for treatment until he actually tried to kill himself and then she hospitalized him where he found the thearapy not helpful and she never followed through with treatment. He treated twice in the last 10 years for less than 6 months each with SSRI's but never followed up and never called it depression.

How can I encourage treatment?

[Unregistered]

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Mine also has severe depression. This past week we had to hospitlize him. He also doesn't like the feeling of being drugged up. He has so far been on three differnent meds, hopefully this new one will be better. I know it is really hard on you to have to go through this. I don't know if this is the best way to help your husband, but I let mine know daily that I love him, always will even though, he too planned on leaving. I also had help from his parents though, so maybe you could talk to his, if they are still alive. If you have to get him to a hospital by force, maybe you should try that. Would he be willing to see a counselor? They maybe would be able to speak with him about the way to go. You could tell him that they are able to understand more then you, because they aren't emotionally involved, as you are, and they went to school to understand and help people like him. Also, they would encouage some medications for him, and he could let them know how he feels when taking meds, they could suggest the proper meds. Or maybe you could call one up and see what they say is the best way to go. I say counselor because they aren't a "shrink" and they really can't prescribe any meds and maybe if they were a "shrink", it would put your husband off more. This way, he doesn't feel they will put him on meds, they just want to talk to him about some things. My husband has a counselor and went of his last meds a few months ago. He did not like those past ones and started going back to how he was before them. Mine was willing to go to the hospital. He knew it was a way for him to get the proper medication, without the bad side effects. A couselor could hopefully get him to that point. I know it is very hard to see him in this "pain". But I want to say this again, if he is scaring you, and you are worried about him being hurtful to either himself or others, you need to call someone for intervention. Even though it may have to be forced, something needs to be done. Not only for him but also for you. I am sure it is physical and mentally draining you and he probably doesn't realize how much it is. I wish you all the best, and hope your husband will too want help soon.

[Unregistered]

My husband went through the same thing earlier this year, he did and still does take anti depressants but he has had 6 sessions of councellling. This has helped him. I know its hard because it almost seems as if you are not allowed to feel down yourself. It took a routine check up at our doctors surgery and the nurse there to suggest he do something about this, especially has he suffers with Hypertension. Maybe it takes another person to get him to talk about things
I do hope this help
H

[Unregistered]

I have tried a lot of those techniques actually. I got him to a counselor session with me for "relationship" issues. However, he reported feeling worse while going there and the counselor never addressed anything dealing with his repeated statements of wanting to be completely alone - he never even mentioned depression as a potential option or asked to talk to him in private about that.

I've asked him again this week to examine the issue himself and if he continues to have this difference in opinion from me.... and continues to feel bad for another 2 weeks, he owes it to himself to talk with someone more clinically trained than I am and who can better explain the difference between bad life experience affecting LONG TERM outlook negatively and depression - which for me is the same thing.

He basically says that counselors are useless and he won't go. He won't go to our primary doctor because he says that the doctor will just agree with my assessment. His mother is not the best to involve because she actually does have the mentality that a pill will solve any problem - and he still believe she drugged him up to make her life easier. Might not be a stretch knowing her.

I have said that it is not a person's life experiences that define them. But how a person copes with those experiences and sets goals to make their life better the next time. He does not see that as the case.

Thank you for the encouraging words..... I know I am asking a lot but hopeful that something will work here. While I don't want to get a divorce, even if I end up there, I just want him to be healthy ..... before he makes that decision.
M

[Azaral]

If he craves alone-ness that may not be a 'problem' per se but a personality preference. If he's an extreme introvert, he will need that time to recharge himself. In this case it may be better to give him his space - as much as he needs. Let him feel comfortable being 'alone' in the house and don't take it personally if he's happy spending even a majority of his free time in isolation.

Cynicism goes hand in hand with introversion. What you and the medical profession see as depression could just be a certain personality type. You may think what he needs is more attention, affection, and companionship when he really just needs/wants less.

(Introversion is theorized to be related to a hypersensitive nerve system. It can be tested with a Myers Brigs personality type test - there are good versions online. It isn't a condition or a disorder, it's just a way of being. I know for me to be happiest, I need at least 2-4 hours a day completely undisturbed by people, regardless of who they are. If there's an hour or two to spend socializing afterward, that's fine, but even that much used to drive me insane. My girlfriend understands this so she keeps busy with her hobbies in the next room over)

It is very depressing when all you need is personal time and space but people keep butting in because they think you're depressed. No offense to you or any of my own friends/family that did this to me, but constantly being told I had a problem helped create aggrevations of the situation - making me more urgently seek isolation - creating a pattern of hiding and outside intervention that intensified with every cycle.

[Unregistered]

Azaral, I appreciate your input. And I agree, if that (wanting to be isolated) was the only symptom present.

However, it is worrysome when it is present with all the other symptoms listed. The presence or absence of a particular thing is not troublesome on its own when it does not affect daily living activities - but becomes troublesome when it is a dynamic change, affects daily living activities or combined with other issues (such as self-degradation, loss of self-worth, thoughts of suicide, agression, etc.)

[Azaral]

That is true and the other symptoms make the issue urgent; no doubt. I just know from my personal experience, everything originated from a desire to be alone, and the more extreme complications were from constantly being told how messed up that was by people who were important to me.

Do not doubt the negative power of telling someone they are broken and need to be fixed. He's heard it from his mother, his wife, probably all his friends, so of course he is going to internalize that and start to believe in his low self-worth. Obviously he rejects the concept of medication, so even if it induces artificial happiness, it isn't going to make him feel accepted as who he truly is, which may be all he needs.

I agree with his distrust of psychoactive medication, but real chemical balances can exist. I just don't think they have the proper methodology to recognize and treat individual cerebral imbalance yet and I loathe the idea of psychiatric normalcy, or "ideal sanity."

[Unregistered]

That is true and the other symptoms make the issue urgent; no doubt. I just know from my personal experience, everything originated from a desire to be alone, and the more extreme complications were from constantly being told how messed up that was.

I can understand that also. His was in the reverse. He believes that being completely alone will solve all of the other problems. So the aloneness was actually the solution he came up with to the other symptoms.

[Non Servium]

Well, first, there are non-drug treatments that still exist. He can get treated without being drugged.

Second, "getting time alone" used to be called a spiritual retreat and was not always seen as horribly negative. There are retreat centers, Zen Monasteries, etc around the country where people can stay and meditate or relax all day in a non-hectic serene setting.

Also, I agree that nothing but good can come from him learning more about his personality type and separating what is a preference from what is an affliction.

[blip3]

My heart is breaking reading this. My husband is acting exactly the same way.Your description may as well be my own. He says that all he wants is to "be left alone". I want to respect it, but I can't help feeling that he only want's be alone because he is so afraid that if he seeks treatment, he will only "let me down" when he doesn't get better. Two weeks ago, it felt like things were getting better, but last week he got rejected from graduate school and now he is convinced that he is a failure. I hate feeling like he thinks that he needs to somehow protect me from himself. It seems that he feels compelled to leave because he thinks that if he doesn't, he will be hurting me. Everything that all of you have said has struck a note with me. All I can say is that I want the man I fell in love with back. Even more so, I want him to know that I love him for who he is, not what he does. I married him without the thought of strings attached, but he seems to think that as a "failure" he will do me a favor by leaving. At this point I feel that he needs intensive therapy. I hate saying it, but I don't trust his perception of things anymore, not because he's depressed, but because he has begun to accuse me of monitoring his success/actions in ways that I never intended to, nor believe I do. For example, when I ask him how his day was, he takes it as me asking him if he accomplished anything. It sucks. That's all I can say. My last love turned out schizophrenic, and now my husband, the one I thought I could love for the rest of my life, is turning me away because he thinks it's some sort of favor, that it's the honorable thing to do. He does see a therapist, but only about once every other week. He does take medications, but is constantly switching them because of the sexual side effects, and often without consulting his psychiatrist. I have no advice to give, I can only say that my heart is with you, and that I hope that things work out. I sounds like you are doing everything that you can. I also think, as others have said, and I think you understand, that when someone wants to be alone, maybe that is what they need, even if it isn't what you would need if you were in their place. Of course, easier said than done. I am terrified that my husband wants to be alone, not because it is what will make him less depressed, but because it is what will make him feel less responsible for the happiness of his loved ones. I just hope that marriage isn't always this difficult. In ways, I wish I loved less easily. I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts.