Dysthymia & relationships

[Unregistered]

I have been in a 4 month relationship with a man diagnosed with dysthymia. It was vey wonderful in the beginning, as most new relationships are and it seemed, to me at least, that we were settling into a long-term relationship.

I know he was getting depressed over the past few weeks and suddenly he just broke it off. I knew that it was the depression and I don't know what to do. He stated that it would happen eventually, that he just doesn't want to do it.

As you might guess, I am devastated, a complete mess. At this point I don't even know how to help myself nevermind him.

How do relationships survive dysthymia? Is there any hope we could survive this?

[Unregistered]

How do relationships survive dysthymia? Is there any hope we could survive this?

Yup. I am diagnosed dysthymic and male, too. It stinks to be so.

Let me tell you, if he was your "one" in your mind then be brave...

IT IS NOT "YOU." I can assuredly say it has nothing to do with you. It's his own apathy and shame that caused this mess. Stick with him if you still believe, because he isn't certain about ANYTHING.

The question is really, do you WANT this in your life?

[Unregistered]

I am a female who has just officially been diagnosed with dysthymia.
I just got out of a year long relationship with the person I'm pretty sure is my soulmate. Things were amazing at the beginning, as all honeymoon periods are, but I felt there was something deeper than just infatuation. He knew all about my depression, and was extremely supportive.
When we were finally 'together' in the summer, I was back in my 'trigger' environment and almost immediately fell into a depressive state. I would call and cancel plans with him because I was too tired and just wanted to lie in front of the TV and zone out, little interest in anything. After a few weeks, I decided to take action and switched medication, which then started my 4 weeks of the **** known as Paxil withdrawal. I became irritable, moody, bitchy - just things uncharacteristic of me. I felt nauseas almost all of the time, and had depersonalization experiences. Needless to say, this interfered more than anything had in our relationship. I tried to tell him to just get through it with me, that it was just because of the withdrawal, but I mean it's hard for people who haven't gone through depression nor withdrawal to know what you're going through. He was supportive, but I guess it got to a point where he just couldn't take the 'hurt' anymore.
At first I didn't understand what he was talking about. I was shocked to hear how strongly he felt, and just bringing that to my attention was enough to make me fully aware of how I was treating him. I desperately tried to tell him that my behavior had nothing to do with how I felt about him, that my moods or cancelling were in no way reflective on how much I cared about him. Then he told me that it was more than just the past 4 weeks, it had always been something brewing. I couldn't see what he was talking about. You honestly could not have found a better match for a couple, or a better relationship than what we did - we never fought! I knew of one main issue, which related to how I sometimes got when I drank (yes, I know it says clearly on the bottle not to consume alcohol). I became unable to control myself or how much I was drinking, and would sometimes become just bitchy and dramatic for no reason (highly uncharacteristic). I knew that hurt him, and I had tried my best to control it, and then realizing I couldn't at all, I finally stopped drinking altogether. Again, it was never a matter of me not caring enough about him, it honestly was something beyond my control and I couldn't really explain it to myself, let alone another person.
After a month of him noticeably pulling away from me, he broke up with me one day out of the blue. He said that his feelings had changed, and that he couldn't see it working; he wanted it to work, but knew it wouldn't. He said it was not a matter of not 'liking me' anymore, and that he still loved me but this just wasn't what he wanted in life - this isn't what him and his ideal wife would go through. He said that things should never get that bad before they take off; our relationship was great, but he was just always hurt by things I did and it dragged. He started to see things differently. I didn't understand what he meant about 'hurting' him and when he brought up little instances, I was somewhat shocked. I hadn't realized how much they had affected him, nor how much they had 'added' up, but most of all, I couldn't 'explain' myself. I remember trying to explain to him why I might have said a comment about his ex-gf, one insuing mistrust, and I just...couldn't. I didn't ACTUALLY feel that way. That was what it was like for almost everything. I was so frustrated because there he had been, percieving my feelings about him through these behaviors, and I was trying to tell him those behaviors weren't actually representative of 'me'. But of course, after the fact it always just sounds like you're trying to 'save face'.
I was devastated when it happened, but now, after 1.5 months, I must admitt I am worse off. After the diagnosis of dysthymia, I did some research on what the symptoms were. The physical ones all added up but it was the cognitive and interpersonal ones that really shocked me. Things about pushing the other person away, jealousy for no apparent reason, and a negative outlook, among others. Now I'm not saying I am the world's perfect girlfriend or that I am an amazing person, but these pretty much explain ALL my behaviour! I was crying hysterically when I mentally reviewed our relationship, and the 'things' that had happened, and everything is actually directly related to depression. I know, I just know in my heart, that had I not pushed him away, etc, we would still be together. I just know it, and that is why I am so devastated.
All of this said, I need advice! I want to hear opinions from alot of people, and it's hard to get such objective and honest advice from friends.
Basically I am feeling this huge wave of frustration, because I honestly believe we are supposed to be together. I've done a lot of thinking about this, and I have come to the conclusion that he is the man I want to be with. It's true that you really don't realize what you have until it's gone, and it's even harder when you know you're the one that let it slip away, especially from things beyond your control. In no way am I trying to rid of all of the hurt and 'blame' it on my illness, but I just feel this is a variable that cannot be ignored. If we had broken up for things that actually were REPRESETATIVE of me (how I think, feel, etc), and my true feelings for him, then I would be more accepting of the situation. But how can I let something like this go when I know what's happened between us isn't representative of what it should be? I am fully aware of everything, and am willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Knowing how your symptoms are affecting your relationships can have a huge impact on not letting them. I am getting treatment, both medically and through talk therapy, and know that things would be so different if we were back together. I feel that if everything was great in our relationship except the 'hurting' from his perceptions of my behavior, then if that behavior and hurting was gone, it would be even more amazing.
Am I completely naive in thinking this? It's hard to have an objective view when you are in love with someone. There's so many obvious statements and questions that are brought to mind:
- Maybe he just fell out of love with me.
- Maybe he really is happier without me. Maybe he's experiencing the opposite of what I am - he doesn't really miss me, breaking up was for the best, what was I thinking in staying with her for the first place?
- If he does think the above, then that seems like he doesn't look fondly on what we had, and that maybe I thought we had something different than we did (but he's told me that's not true). And if he really is over me this quickly, does that not speak volumes about how he must of felt about me in the first place? If so, what am I holding on to?
- Why would I want to be a with a guy like that in the first place? Sure he was amazing and supportive for a while, but when a rough patch actually came, he just lost interest in me so quickly and bolted. Maybe instead of crying over the rejection of not being enough for him, I should focus on how maybe he's not enough for me.
- But I just don't think it's so simple. I am aware of how I hurt him, and I honestly believe, well I know, that it just added up too much for him and he couldn't take it. I get that. I get it even more now when I am able to look back and actually see things clearly through the knowledge I have now. Whether or not he fell out of love with me in the process is another thing. Either he did, or he really is just unable to hurt anymore. Maybe after being apart he's realized he is happier without me, is not in love with me anymore, and maybe he resents me for 'hurting' him in the first place. But the thing is, I have no idea. My negative self-defeating thoughts are leaning towards the latter, while my positive, underlying side is really telling me that I don't think that's possible, considering everything we had. And I feel that I need to find out for sure, because then if it is the latter, atleast I can say he really is not the guy for me, that a 'great' relationship takes 2 people to think that way, and just deal with the rejection. Because right now I am dealing with the rejection and the frustration that it shouldn't be this way.
So, am I completely naive here? Did I really ruin everything? What would I even say? I mean right now it would be about all the realizations I've come to, with everything from how much I miss him and want everything we had, to somewhat explaining why things were the way they were, how I'm aware of it and taking action in being treated for dysthymia. I just don't think he realizes how much of my behavior was influenced by the depression, and how it is not reprentative of who I actually am. It sounds so silly, I'm not about to go "it was the dysthymia talking" and expect him to just release his hurt and how he feels. But I am hoping to give him more insight to MY side of the relationship and how they actually were, so he can truly make an informed decision on whether he thinks we should be together or not. His 'hurt' stemmed from his perception that I just didn't care enough. I want him to know how much I actually do/did. If he's over me/it, then so be it. But if he's not, I want him to atleast know there is a chance of things working out for the best and not to throw it all away.

If anyone takes the time to respond to ANY one of my comments or questions, it would so be greatly appreciated. I feel awful for rambling on, but there's not many people you can talk to about dysthymia.

Cheers

[Unregistered]

I hear what you are saying as I have just been in the same position. I noticed my boyfriend getting worse in the last 3 weeks, and he kept saying that I should leave him as he wasn't worth staying with. I kept telling him that I would support him through his depression as that was what we had been told it was, but when I went away for work last week, things went from bad to worse. In 7 days he has self harmed on 4 occasions, 3 of which have required hospitalisation overnight and serious medical treatment. At the moment he is banadaged on his arm and leg, with over 60 stitches, staples and internal corrective surgery. I have just flown back into the state, and he was disharged into my care. I am scared to be responsible for him as even with my support he is doing this. I don't know what I can do really to help.

Yesterday the psychiatrist at the hospital diagnosed dysthymia, and this kind of fits with what I was thinking, but I am also unsure as to whether this is correct, or whether borderline personality disorder is more fitting. He has been prescribed Zoloft about 9 weeks ago, but the depressive episode seems to have gotten worse.

He has agreed though to undertake psychotherapy, but I know that this is a long road ahead, and it doesn't alleviate the problem of the crisis points when he is taking to himself with a kitchen knife.

To add to the mix, when he is like this, he becomes very unclear about what he wants, and how he feels about me. I know that it isn't actually about me, but it hurts all the same. He has a belief system that all his relationships will fail in the end and therefore I should leave him now. I don't know whether relationships can survive this, but I am hoping that this one can and then I will be able to post a positive reply to your question.

In the meantime, you need to get some support for yourself in dealing with this. Because if he does come back ( like mine does when he starts to think rationally again) you need to be able to be strong in yourself, otherwise you wont be able to offer him the support that he is needing from you.

Research shows that dysthymia is treated quite successfully with psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy etc, and sometimes with teh combined use of anti-depressants when there is a double depression episode in place, but I am yet to find anything about living with dysthymic partners!

I really wish you all the best.

[FreeSpirit27]

This is in response to the post made on 9/20 by the woman who kept going on about her lovelife and her dysthimia.

Hey. The first thing I have to say is that nobody on this site has met you or your ex-boyfriend and nobody has watched this situation unfold. All that is there for us to analyze is one well-written and very deatiled document which you should be very proud of. :-) I do not know whether or not there is a way to analyze both the content of your letter and the way it was written in such a way that one could answer your questions knowingly, but if there is such a way then I don't have that tallent. I feel that it could be wishful thinking- born out of desperation- that led you to think that someone else on this site might be able to help you in a very constructive way. Sure, people on this site can give you hope and push you forward and say things you either do or do not want to hear, but they have not actually witnessed any of this happening and all of the multitudenous nuances of every single situation that you wrote about. I'm sorry if you are still struggling with this situation and waiting for someone to deliver the equivelant of the Words of God. I read your ENTIRE post and followed it through til the end. I did not mind your ramblings. If I did mind then I would not have read the entire thing. I used to believe in soul mates too. I actually neither believe nor disbelieve in them now. I am rather jaded.
What I CAN say knowingly from reading your letter is that you have the whole situation broken down and analyzed to the point where you cannot proceed any further and practically all you can do is sit and wait for your dashing knight to magically reapear or else you can make overtures which may or may not be rejected. Well, anything's is possible, right? You posted quite a long time ago so I am guessing that the situation has yeilded some sort of a sollution or I mean conclusion. Has it yeilded a conclusion yet? I'd be happy to hear about where you are now and how things have been. I am guessing from your letter that you really are as harmless, good-spirited, and as "in love" as you say. Your ex-boyfriend remains a mystery. Some guys stay and tough it out, other's show themselves to be too whimpy to handle diverse situations. Maybe in this situation time will heal all wounds? I say that with a question mark because I don't know ANYTHING but I do think that when I say it (with a question mark or not) you might feel even the slightest inkling of hope and I suppose there's nothing wrong with hoping. :-) I agree that you have not done anything wrong by choice. Maybe even if the guy knows this in his heart, he still wont bother to reinitiate the relationship. WHY? I don't know. People can be weird so just achknowledge that as another possibility. I think you should ask him whether or not he knows just so you know where he stands as far as feelings go. If he does understand, even if he will not go out with you again, then at least you can rest assured that you are understood by the person whom it means the utmost to be understood by, if you know what I mean.
Maybe there is such a thing as soul mates but maybe there can be more then one. Maybe he was your soul mate for awhile and during that relationship he helped you come to terms with your problems by way of pointing them out to you and making you take notice. Maybe you needed to loose something you love in order to finally get the help that you needed. Do you think that you would've gotten help if you were not aware that you were hurting someone you cared about more deeply then anybody else? Maybe all things happen for a reason and there is a silver lining behind every cloud. I believe that if things don't work with THIS guy then there will be other soul mates out there. Can you dig this? Well, there I go this time...ranting. :-) My stimulant meds are causing me to stay awake far, far into the night- oops, I mean 3:30 in the morning! I took too many (again). I should post about my problem with adderall- start a new thread lol. No, I'll probably just keep finding posts to reply to, into oblivion.
I hope that I have helped you in a constructive way even though I know that I claimed that helping you might be impossible. I still do wanna know how things are working out between you two- maybe some additional information would help me become more theraputic to you if the situation has not already taken care of itself. :-) I apologize for the cynical overtones in the beginning of this reply. I get carried away sometimes trying to be smarter then everybody. lol

[Karitas]

Hi
I'm wondering if you are still around. I read your very interesting reply and am keen to discuss this further. I am not the person you replied to but have been in an very similar and painful situation — that is, trying to have a relationship with a man who is dysthymic. He'd never had a relationship before and when we met told me I was the only woman he'd ever wanted to have a relationship with, and the only woman he'd ever felt good with sexually. However he would always warn me that he wasn't a good prospect, that he was broken, and he didn't know if he could have a relationship. After a positive start, it seemed that anxieties, which he couldn't or wouldn't, explain very clearly, would get the better of him and he would tell me he felt nothing for me anymore. We went through a rollercoaster time, lovely times together followed by him withdrawing and apparently ``feeling nothing''. But he now appears to want nothing to do with me and says he feels nothing for me anymore. I can't understand what happened.

Anyone's perspectives welcome, particularly those of male dysthymics who might have insight.
Cheers

Yup. I am diagnosed dysthymic and male, too. It stinks to be so.

Let me tell you, if he was your "one" in your mind then be brave...

IT IS NOT "YOU." I can assuredly say it has nothing to do with you. It's his own apathy and shame that caused this mess. Stick with him if you still believe, because he isn't certain about ANYTHING.

The question is really, do you WANT this in your life?

[Dxmxgxd]

Hey guys,

I have been well with this girl for a month or so now, we were really really close before hand (for several months) although i just hadnt asked her to have a relationship with me.

Our relationship ended yesterday as it has been very very unstable since about a week ago, as she was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (she is 16 and has a TSH level of 100) in turn she has been somewhat depressed and has had symptoms not unlike those if Dysthymia... I have told her that i wanted to help her through her problems but, she wont let me :/

She has been very very bitchy lately which is completely understandable I do not care I love her although i do not know how she feels, and i am afraid that if i ask her incase i agravate her more so. Due to her un-cooperative mood her friends have also become quite irritated at her which isnt helping in the least, now I'm trying to sort her friends out so that's just one more problem out of the way, I have made sure she knows that i still care abou8t her and that i will be there for her if need be.

I feel like ****, I cant stand seeing her this way and I wish there was someway i could help her more.

[pablaaaa]

I am a female who has just officially been diagnosed with dysthymia.
I just got out of a year long relationship with the person I'm pretty sure is my soulmate. Things were amazing at the beginning, as all honeymoon periods are, but I felt there was something deeper than just infatuation. He knew all about my depression, and was extremely supportive...

jeez, its almost eerie how similar my situation is to yours. I was with someone for nearly a year, i LOVED him, we both felt as if we were each other's soul mates. But as time went on my depression influenced the way i acfted towards him. I also got out of control with the drinking, and i would show up to his apartment after leaving a party hammered and acting obnoxiously for no reason at all. He put up with it for a long time until one day he closed off his heart to me and became very very distant. This allowed me to reflect on all of the pain i caused him throughout the relationship that i could not explain why i did it, my only logical conclusion is that the depression very much influenced my behaviour, because i did love him very much, yeti still acted this way. He told me that we should hang out less and "see each other" as if we are still together but not officially "dating". he said he needs time for the love to build up again. (btw if anyone could tell me if he actually means this or if he is eventually going to just throw me away please let me know?) Anyways, after all of this i couldnt help but feel extremely guilty, like i had ruined everything, and like i had destroyed something great. Probably like how you feel right now. But think of it in this way, its easy to blame yourself when you miss the person and the person tells you how you have hurt them. But think about the flaws your partner had. My boyfriend had a bad anger problem, a very bad anger problem. and he would blame it on the way i was acting. But he acts angry towards his roomate and his family and he often blows up and will throw or break something for very little little things. I've been told that if there is something about your partner's personality that you dont find tolerable now, then dont marry them. Sure, I may have pushed my boyfriend away because of my behaviours caused from my depression, but if i didnt, i could have set myself up for something much worse in the future. If you and him were meant to be, it will happen. And don't try to push contact on him either because guys like to take advantage of knowing that you really want to see them or talk to them and they will treat you even more distant or badly. Im trying my very best not to beat myself up about it, i once felt like i had such a deep connection with him beyond infatuation. We get into relationships so we can learn about ourselves and learn about our mistakes and we take it into our next relationship. Stay strong i'm pretty much feeling the exact same feelings as you are right now hoping i can get over this hump soon and start living life again.

[Unregistered]

Interesting. I've just diagnosed myself with dysthymia, after years of living with anxiety and depression. On the verge of ending 5-year relationship. Many other problems, including alcohol, drugs, poverty (mine), bereavement (his) and single parenting (both). Although there are some excellent qualities between us (warmth, humour, music, his wealth), I keep thinking I'd be better off alone. He had a wonderful childhood with loving parents in a big country house, I was deprived, living in poverty after my parents' divorce, aged 2.
I've found him too drunken and annoying lately, and alcohol doesn't always suit me.

[Unregistered]

[QUOTE=Unregistered;63563]Yup. I am diagnosed dysthymic and male, too. It stinks to be so.

Let me tell you, if he was your "one" in your mind then be brave...

IT IS NOT "YOU." I can assuredly say it has nothing to do with you. It's his own apathy and shame that caused this mess. Stick with him if you still believe, because he isn't certain about ANYTHING.

The question is really, do you WANT this in your life?[/QUOTE

Not sure if anyone still gets on here, but I hope so. Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm in a similar situation to what the original poster is in. My boyfriend of 8 months ended things two days ago. I think he is in a double depression. He has been slowly getting worse due to a number of stressors in his life (loss of job last year - no fault of his own, etc) and I think the final clincher was the passing of his mom three weeks ago. He had felt guilty for not being able to devote attention to me and the relationship...which I assured him that I was fine. He couldn't accept that. Finally, two days ago he said that he didn't know if he wanted me or our relationship, and that we needed to take a break because the responsibility of carrying on a relationship was too much for him while he is trying to get better. So, technically, we are on a "break". I know it has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts like ****. He was concocting up that I wanted a commitment from him - which was completely not the case...it was like he had become commitment phobic overnight (which he had previously said that he always moves slow, to which I said was fine).

Since I haven't been through this before (though I've experienced my own depression - which is thankfully very responsive to treatment), I don't know what to expect. From the posts it sounds like after the person starts to feel better, they regret breaking things off and acting like they did. How often does that happen? How long does a double depression last (I'm sure it is different for everyone...but I'm just looking for everyone's experiences.)? He knows he has hurt me, but he knows I support him. He has been going to a therapist for a while, but I'm not sure how well it is helping. I'm upset with all of this because despite his previous moodiness - I was very happy with him, and could see a future. I'm just lost as to what to think!