each man is an island - don't want to be an island no more

[cutebutcrayzee?]

i have panick attacks, mood swings that change violontly from depression to agression or both at the same time , mild hallucinations, and god knows what else, those are only the symptoms i could figure out for myeslf. i also think that i feel emotions differently than other people and my opinions and views of reality seem to also vary from "normal" , and the most difficult is that i find myself unable to share any of this or my emotions with anyone else no matter what i do or however i try. ive been living with this secret on my own with my real ME hiding behind a huge wall with only the pretend me showing (note its' not a liar-pretend, its more like i select bits of me and transform then according to social norms and what people are supposed to be like).
ive been to a psychiatrist because i was forced by my family and i really want to know exactly whats wrong and get a treatment for it so i can live a normal life but i couldnt even tell the psychiatrist about what i am going through and just fed him the "im-completely-normal" story like i tell everybody.

how am i supposed to break this barrier ive created? i want to escape but something keeps pulling me back. or does anyone have any ideas what could be wrong with me?

[mommy cat]

panic attacks, mood swings...what other sx do you have? rage, grief, depression?